Selling my 2002 Ford Excursion - The BEAST!!

You want the Beast? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BEAST!!!!

Well, okay.. maybe you can. Maybe you need the Beast. Maybe you want the Beast.

I understand, most of the ladies do... or at the very least they want the man who wants the Beast. I have the Beast... and now so can you.

WHAT?? Seriously? Have I lost my mind in some space time warp where marijuana is legal and Pluto is no longer a planet? Maybe...

I know, I know... Why Oh why would I allow this magnificent machine to leave my driveway?

Well, frankly, she just isn't needed any longer. She has served me and my family well for many years, but as we grow older, or maybe just plain old, we don't race motorcycles, or go camping as much as we once did. There is no point in using a Clydesdale to give pony rides to toddlers, nor is there any point in diminishing this great machine into nothing more than a glorified grocery getter. She wants better. She deserves better.

So... details you say?

Well... look at the damn pictures. What else is there to say? I don't know, but I'm sure I'll find some words. She is the frickin Land Yacht... the USS Compensator... The finest damn conglomeration of metal, rubber and leather known to mankind. She eats Prius for breakfast, wipes her exhaust pipe with a Leaf and still returns nearly 20MPG (Highway)... all while carrying 7 full sized people and their luggage. Strap a trailer to her ass and she'll tow that without complaint... and pretty much anything else you want to hitch her to. I pulled a house down with her... No Shit. It happened. I know, cuz I was there. You weren't there, so you'll probably want to challenge me on it. Well, feel free to use her to pull your house down after you man up, grab your cojones and make the purchase.

Brand New!!

She has 205 THOUSAND miles of experience under those tires. . . well maybe not THOSE tires, cuz they're brand spankin' new. She has been to more parts of the United States than most so called Americans and returned to tell the tales. This 7.3 Liter Diesel motor is just getting broken in, but she does have a shiny new High Pressure Oil Pump as of last week because the old one just couldn't handle the near proximity to this much awesome and blew a gasket. I understand. . . it happens. Something so small couldn't keep this girl down though and she is all patched up and as good as new.

205322 Miles

Oh yeah. . . about that motor. It's not just a motor. It is the hard-charging, life-pumping, ass-kicking heart of a lion. Pumped up on the steroids known as a DP Tuner F5 16 position tuning chip. She has multiple settings pre-programmed, including a no-start safety mode, stock, 1200RPM warmup, 60HP Tow Safe and 80HP Daily Driver mode. She may have been a Clydesdale before, but now she is some sort of mutant cross-breed of the Clydesdale and a Thoroughbred. She jumps out of the starting gate and runs over the competition that is stupid enough to be ahead of her. Yeah, she moves like a Mustang.

I ran out of words, so I'll wrap this up and come back later to do her justice. For now, here's the down and dirty.




Yep, she has some damage. The trailer tried to get fresh with her in a tight corner and she bitch-slapped it in the face, but took some scratches herself. A concrete pole jumped out of nowhere while the wife was running over a coffee stand and nicked her in the side as well. She don't care. Bitches love scars.

She has 4 captain's chairs and a bench in the back. She has a full sized spare, not one of those sissy ass donuts that aren't for actual driving or anything more than lawn ornaments.

Edited 4/01/2014
So. . . yeah. . . what do you know, I found some more words. They were just lying there in the middle of the street with no one around to claim them, so I grabbed em and brought them back to share with you all. These words don't seem to be as high quality as the first set I used, but there is still no point in wasting perfectly good words.

Anyway, here they are:

The beast drinks Diesel Oil. Not Gas, not fuel, not petrol, or any other weak sauce. Diesel Oil. If you have the pretty new 'ultra low sulfur' stuff, she'll drink it just fine, but if you don't and you like to use the old high sulfur, or biodiesel, she likes that just fine too. Not like the new prima donna rigs that require ultra low sulfur content. Don't try throwing unfiltered waste vegetable oil down her throat though, she isn't comfortable with that and might just reach out and bitch slap you in the same way she got that trailer. If you want to adjust her attitude to do the WVO thing, well that's up to you and some guys have good results with that, but it ain't my thing.

She came with standard Ford Super Duty heated/blinker mirrors, but not the ones that extended, so I fitted her up with something that was a bit more suitable for towing the 26' trailer. She liked the extra attention, but the mirrors rarely get extended because I don't actually tow very often, especially now that I sold the trailer. People get pissed off if you try to pull their houses down without permission, so I had to stop shit that too. Whatever, crybabies.

She also comes with an aftermarket stereo. It's nothing fancy because the damn tweakers stole the fancy one she had. It was nice too. All touchscreen and whatnot, along with a GPS and my iPod. I paid good money for that crap and they probably sold if for 20 bucks and a latte to the sleaseball at the Swap and Shop Pawn. I hate thieves. I hope they burnt their tongue on the latte. You'll probably want to put in your own fancy stereo, but this one works just fine and includes auxiliary inputs and a USB in front. I also put in a new Garmin navigation unit, which is hardwired through the stereo. I'll let that stay in the Beast because she likes it there and threatened me with bodily harm if I tried to remove it. I'm more afraid of her than the tweakers are apparently.

She sports ALL BRAND NEW "MOOG" ball joints, with an extra set to go with it just because I like you. I haven't even met you yet, but if you are man enough to want the Beast, then I already like you so I'll throw them in with the Beast.

Why waste time with a shitty 6.0 Liter when you can get a rock solid 7.3 Liter that has been time tested and proven. You can't get the 6.4 Liter because those bastards at Ford decided that the Excursion was too much truck for the average American. Do yourself a favor, step up to the plate and let me know if you think you are man enough to run with a girl like this. I bet you aren't.

Oh yeah. . . I'm negotiable on the price. She needs a good home, so come at me bro!




DP Tuner
http://www.dp-tuner.com/ford-powerstroke/ford-powerstroke-7-3l-1/tuning-1/chips-1/f5-1-16-position-switch-on-the-fly-chip-for-7-3-l-diesel-trucks-1994-5-2003-1988-2004-gas-vehicles-36.html

Power Mirrors (PowerVision 8040TK model)
http://www.discounttruckaccessories.com/details.php?ProductID=81330